I have some pretty funny friends and one of my favs is someone who will make you laugh until milk comes out of your nose! In my recovery, I talk to her about the things I have done and she told me the funniest story the other night! I just HAD to share, now she wasn’t on board with this but I promised to keep her anonymity and she agreed I could post it. Get ready for this one!
The story of why I shit in your driveway:
My friend and I went out for drinks one night as I was recovering from a break up. You know what I mean, get together with your girls and let them tell you how wonderful you are and how he’s the jerk, one of those nights. After many rounds of Jager, I got it into my head that I needed to see him. I didn’t just need to see him — I was going to DIE without him. So I talked my friend into going over to his house with me so that I could drunkenly confront him and make a complete fool of myself. We’ve all done it except now I think it’s more of a drunk dial or text, but back then I didn’t have a cell and texting didn’t even exist yet.
So off we go to his house, me in all of my Jager-bombed glory! I get out of the car and run up the little hill to his front door. I am wearing a mini skirt and tank top with sandals because it’s a nice summer evening (this becomes important in a little while…) so there I am – half shit faced and banging on his door. So nervous about seeing him that I almost peed my pants. Would he tell me he was sorry and that he wanted me back or send my drunk ass away and bless me with the worst morning “I can’t believe I did that!” feeling?
I am banging on his door and he isn’t answering. I become convinced that he is there and ignoring me so I beat harder. I start yelling “I know you’re in there you bastard” and start totally making a scene. Thank goodness it was just me and my friend standing there.
All of a sudden the nerves shot through me like heat and my bowls turned completely to water. It happened so fast that all I could do is take off running down the hill to the car thinking I could make it to the nearest restaurant or gas station. Guess what? I didn’t so I stopped in my tracks, hiked up my skirt and shit all over his driveway. My main concern was not getting shit on my shoes and I did a fantastic job doing that and not falling backwards into the puddle of liquid shit that had escaped my body and formed a huge puddle beneath me. And I didn’t just have a little squirt – I literally sprayed shit all over his driveway and I mean EVERYWHERE!
My friend laughed so hard she almost fell down the hill, but came to my rescue with a box of mini pads that she had in her glove compartment. I wiped my ass and threw them on top of the pile. I then got into the car and realized that I was just too good for that asshole and drove off to Steak and Shake to have a burger.
He never knew it was me!
I laughed so hard typing this that I almost peed MY pants!